Thursday, August 18, 2016

Thoughts While Mending

Okay I know and you know that my recovery process is not what this crafting blog is supposed to be about, but bear with me here.  As the dust from the recent trip to the hospital has begun to settle and the pain meds have started to kick in enough I can bear to sit up for longer then it takes to crawl to the privy,  I have had a lot of time on my hands to think.  And today something someone said to me as a reprimand really stood out and made me think.
“Tiffany you shouldn’t over do it like yesterday.  It will just make healing harder and take longer.”
Yesterday, I had a seven month old little girl, who was congested and running a slight fever, fussing, crying and unable to sleep unless she was being held in a semi-upright position.  She weighs enough that after a major abdominal surgery last Thursday I am not supposed to pick her up or hold her for the next six weeks at least and probably closer to twelve if I strictly adhere to the doctor’s wishes.  But there is something about a mother’s love and instinct that is tenacious and doesn’t care what the Doctor says if it goes against what you think your child needs.  Even when it goes against everything a doctor tells you that you should NOT do in order to help yourself recover and heal.  After what felt like forever but was probably more like fifteen minutes with her Gramzie I couldn’t take it anymore and had to hold my little girl even though I am not supposed to right now. Those tears and cries broke my heart, so we piled on the pillows and hoped it would protect me while I attempted to soothe my little girl.  Eventually though my body could take no more and I had to once again give my precious daughter to her Nana who took her from me and promptly got her to sleep.  The moment her Nana swayed back into the room rocking Kyrilene in her arms the innocence in that little sleeping face began to melt all the pieces of my heart right back together again.

Exhausted and in pain I rested now that I knew my daughter was sleeping comfortably, and when my four other children arrived home from school I was able to sit up and hug each of them and ask about their day.  They were all chipper and after a quick snack dove into their homework.  Not long after that I noticed my six year kept sneaking in to “check on me” and give me another hug.  Sneaking I think because his Gramzie was trying to entertain and distract the kids for the afternoon while I rested.  By about the third hug I knew he needed time with his mom.  At which point I also knew I had a tough choice to make.  Over do it and pay for it with extra pain that night and probably the whole next day or send him back downstairs with his unspoken needs unmet.  We spent the afternoon playing UNO and Monopoly and my six year tromped on me, but I blame that on the meds.

Eventually their daddy got home and he called them all downstairs for dinner and I felt an overwhelming sensation of being caged.  Here I was hurting and facing another night eating what little I could in bed in my room alone.  The struggles with my health have become chronic over the last sixteen months since we found out we were expecting our youngest daughter and I was definitely feeling sick to death of hurting and eating dinner without my family at that moment.  So I said a silent prayer asking for the Lord to sustain me through the meal and went down to dinner, to the shock and delight of my entire family.  It only lasted 15 minutes while we ate and I had to have help getting back up to bed but for that moment in time we had our family back.  Since then I have been flat on my back aching and wishing the pain meds would just take the edge off the swelling and pain so when I was asked this morning how I was doing I  was honest and said I over did it yesterday and I am hurting today because of it.

So back to the reprimand.  Was it given in love?  Yes, she just wants me to take it easy and allow myself to heal.  But it also required a carefully thought out response as well.  Over this journey with chronic health concerns and life threatening moments it is no longer about the hope of complete recovery or all the things I will be when I am back to quote unquote “normal“.  For many who struggle with chronic issues they are the new normal and you have to learn to deal with, cope and hope even though they are with you every single day.  I realized yesterday with my daughter and my son that I have a choice.  Put off the needs of those around me because I am suffering or focus on what I could do to emotionally to lift them up and let the cards fall where they may.

Holding my daughter was about me telling her that I was here and I loved her especially when she was hurting.  Because even though my broken and bruised body wouldn’t let me do it for long, it would let me do it for a little while.  I love my children so much I am willing to personally suffer just a little more to show my love for each of them and isn’t that exactly what the Savior has done for each one of us?  Our Heavenly Father loves each of us so much that he gave us a Savior who suffered all things so He could bear up our burdens.  And if He loves us enough to do that then how much does He ache to hold and comfort us when we are sick and hurting ourselves; the same way I ached to comfortable my little girl.  Just as I could not turn away the need for love and comfort that my son so meekly asked for by checking on me, I also can not think of a single time in my life when I have gone to Lord needing comfort like my son came to me and have not been overwhelmed by feelings of His love for me.

Not for a single moment do I regret my choices and the extra pain I am in today because they are reminders of the love my Savior Jesus Christ has for me and the love I have for my family.  Did I over do it yesterday?  Strictly from a physical standpoint, yes I did.  Am I paying the price for it now?  Yes I am.  But from spiritual standpoint and loving the journey despite the heartaches yesterday was the best day ever and I would totally do it again in a heart beat.  I simply hope that others who suffer with challenges and chronic issues whether they are spiritual or physical in nature can learn one thing:
It doesn’t have to be fixed and we don’t have to be back to “normal” to continue to love and show love for those around us.
So I hope and pray that each of you will not put off the help and love you can give to others just because you are suffering too.  Each and everyone of us is suffering and struggling with something.  It’s how we choose to handle it that builds our character and makes us who we are.

This entry was originally posted on August 14, 2014 on my previous blog.  I am currently moving all of it's contents to this blog.

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